Revising with Williams
20 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
This was so much fun! It’s amazing how many passages you can point out and edit once you’ve read Williams… Well, here it is!!
Occupancy in a University residence hall is restricted to currently enrolled students at Eastern Michigan University. Occupants other than currently enrolled Eastern students are allowed on an exception basis. However, priority will be maintained for current Eastern students. Each resident is required to make application and sign a contract for the appropriate term. As such, the resident agrees to make the designated prepayment and agrees to the payment of fees as established for the term(s) of occupancy according to the current payment schedule. Additionally, the residents are responsible for compliance with all terms and conditions set forth in the contract and the Residence Hall Handbook.
Occupancy in a University residence hall is restricted and maintained for currently enrolled students at Eastern Michigan University. Other occupants are allowed on an exception basis. An application and a signed contract is required for each appropriate term. As such, the resident agrees to make the designated prepayments and fees according to the current payment schedule. Additionally, the residents are responsible for compliance with all terms and conditions set forth in the contract and the Residence Hall Handbook.
The passage I chose seemed very redundant. When I read Williams, I remember thinking how easy it is to repeat things that are not necessary. When talking about sentences, Williams says to pick out what is necessary and focus the attention on that. You can throw away things that aren’t really needed and still have a perfectly decent sentence. This is what I chose to do for this passage in the EMU catalog.
The third sentence in the passage that I chose basically repeated the very first sentence, so I combined the two and cut out what was unnecessary. It also seems like this passage was written for someone who has absolutely no idea what is going on. Some of the terms were used over and over again. I cut these out because I don’t think they are very useful. I shifted the focus of the sentences to the subjects that were absolutely necessary (occupancy, contract, payments, etc…). I believe that my revision helped to shorten the passage and narrow the focus for the reader. These revisions were easy to make because the errors were easy to find. It was also easy to apply Williams’ ideas of subjects and clear sentences to this passage.
